My Favorite Mistake

As I was putting off starting a project at work the other day, I was searching through some old e-mails and realized that I inadvertently sent a blog link to "The Ex" when I showed copied and pasted this entry over a year ago.

Fabulous.

So how is everything going? How is life? If you still reading this, Ex Man, it's pretty freaking awesome. Great friends, good health, sweet job, fun city. So there.

I'm Tired

...tired of always wanting more, tired of expecting things and getting disappointed, tired of being tired.

A new chapter

Today was one of those days that just makes me think. Think about how far I have come, and how very far I need to go.
I was put in charge of the newest hire in business news. My boss had asked that I train him, and I can't deny how surprised I was. As much as I've learned at the AP, I still feel altogether like an infant sometimes. There is always someone doing something better, bigger, etc. It's hard on the ego sometimes. Other times, it's the only thing that motivates me.
But through the doubts I have in myself, it was great to get a vote of confidence like this. Especially when this particular guy seems like an expert before he walked in the door. The briefing on him reads like a bio of someone who is 40 years old, and very accomplished at that.
When he walks in this morning, he is a lot less daunting than the picture I have built in my head. He's funny, enthusiastic....and terrified. His hand shake on the keyboard and strike the wrong keys. Lots of cursing as he makes simple errors, lots of 'I'm sorrys' for all the cursing, lots of 'I'm sorrys' for all the 'I'm sorrys.'
Our small talk reveals that he is incredibly smart and incredibly well-versed in the companies he will cover at AP.
But his nervousness makes me have flash backs to my own first days.
It made me feel like I wasn't alone in being terrified.
About 11 o'clock as I show him a computer program, he says "This may be a stupid question, but does this feel incredibly overwhelming to everyone or is it just me?"
"It's everybody," I say. "Really, everybody."

Why Do Birds Suddenly Appear

Here'e my horoscope from this morning. Stupid thing, why does it have to be so wise?


"You may think that time is running out, so you could get overly forceful in your search for happiness. But the greatest satisfaction may come from delving into the intensity of the uncomfortable places within your mind. Your tendency may be to avoid the darkness, yet this is where the treasures are hiding. Facing the unknown can catalyze the transformation of fear into love."

Deep Breath Out

It's my first post of 2008, and its only a month late.

I'm feeling better in waves. Some days are incredible high, when I realize I have great friends, and this city is really home to me now. Some days are awful, when I feel as if the floor is falling out from under me, and I can't keep track of the thoughts racing in my head.

I'm looking at the last post from 2007 and realizing that progress is in fact possible. He may still be there, but he's not in my head as much. I am contemplating the possibility of dating others. I wish I could live more recklessly than this, but this, for me, is progress.

I'll make New Year's resolutions later. For now, I'm just trying to live it.

Too Many Endings

I told everyone that stood still long enough to listen. And followed some people that didn't. I was so excited about this potential relationship, got so far ahead of myself, that it actually ended before it even began.

I've gone through a breakup without having the relationship. And yes, it makes me feel absolutely psychotic to say that.

In a nutshell, things for the past couple of months have been in sort of a flirty state of bliss. The potential for something was there, and although I tried not to think about it being more than it really was, it became clear that he was something special, and that this just might happen.

But a few days ago, something changed. Something that I can't put my finger on because I am too busy feeling crazy for putting as much emotional effort into something that wasn't even really there.

I know I put too much into things. I know I run full force at situations when really all they need is some gentle coercing. But now, after all this time alone, I feel desperate, like I'm running out of time.

Then the rational voice kicks in, and I realize that out of this situation, I have a really great new friendship. He, in all likelihood, has little to no idea how my head is spinning about this. And the funny part is, it's really not even about him.

It's about how I am missing the comfort of a partner so much that I am forcing puzzle pieces together that don't quite fit. I am trying to be someone that I'm not so desperately that I am forgetting what I really am. I am anwering questions with the answers I think he would want, instead of the answers that I feel.

If I must think of a purpose for this latest blip in my almost-dating life, he came into my life at the exact right time. I started considering this guy as the ex's engagement was still an open wound. But now that's closed, and somehow I feel like my options went with it.

If my altered state tells me anything, it's that this would have been really bad if it had dragged on longer, and we had an actual full-blown relationship. The akward walk into the office, the akward train home, the occasional akward co-worker get-together. But it's just not much comfort now.

And what's making me feel worse is that I know that my life, despite the haze, is still the one that I was so grateful just a few months ago. I'm feeling guilty for harping on the small details in my life when people around me are suffering with actual problems. And I'm feeling even more guilty for not being grateful enough for the people that have reached out to help.
But I can't seem to get things together.

The Lonely Season

I am finally done with all my holiday shopping stories. Work is done, for the day at least, and tomorrow is a day to be spent with family. Only my family isn't here.
They will be celebrating Thanksgiving together while I am here in the city wishing I was with them. Wishing I could get a break from all the noise, and the crowds, and my life for only a minute.
I am filled with an overwhelming lack of confidence at work.
I am starting to realize that the crush is not going to be anything more than that.
I am not with my family on Thanksgiving, and I likely won't be able to see many of them for Christmas, either.

I haven't been able to think clearly for a while now. Somehow, everything got muddled again.

Cleaning in Cowboy Boots

I know, after so long, what's really the point? I'm getting to it, dude.

Written July 31, 2007
I spent an hour or so after work today cleaning my room, with ratty shorts and a t-shirt, my nano tucked into my sports bra, and cowboy boots.
I am a flip-flop girl. In fact, I hate wearing shoes, and take them off anytime I'm given the chance. But the cowboy boots had a purpose today - I am breaking them in for a trip in two weeks to a dude ranch in Wyoming. City Slickers Style.
While I've been planning for months with my friend Kate, who I 've known for about a year and a half now, it seems like it all crept up so fast on me. First, the trip was a very bad idea. It was the idea blurted out after a night of too much red wine, the first night I met Kate. She had been friends with the ex and he introduced us, although originally all I had to talk to her about him, about regrets, and about lost time.
There are too many things that I feel like I can't talk to her about, and sometimes I feel as if I befriended someone that spies for the enemy. I sometimes wonder if that feeling will ever go away.

But, right now, I'm busy breaking in the cowboy boots for a trip that will make me the person I always say I want to be: the adventurous one, the traveler, the dreamer. That, in a nutshell, has been this year for me. Through all the crap, all the heartache, all the mistakes I made over and over again, I did something right. I did something right to deserve the job that gives me chills. And I did something right to feel like I could continue this relationship, no matter how it began.

More Pictures!

Some more pictures from the amazing trip out West...

A Spacer, If You Will

Ok, I promise to get going on this whole blog thing again soon.

I'll tell you about the trip, and how great it was, despite the company. And I'll tell you about the job, which is still amazing even through all the anxiety. And I'll tell you about the office crush, which sometimes makes like feel like I'm in 8th grade again, but sometimes makes a day feel worth it.

But for now, this is for you, John.

The Beginning

The Bitter End

Last week was spent at an amazing ranch in Wyoming, where I rode horses, drove cattle, and played cowboy.
But I'll begin at the end of the trip, because that's what is making my hands shake and stomach sick.

After getting home after a late flight and a long and windy ride with a confused cabbie, I ran to check my e-mail. I hadn't touched a computer since before the trip, and I was chomping at the bit for some kind of 21st century communication.

I noticed an e-mail from the ex. I wasn't expecting this:

"I hope your trip is going well or went well depending on when you get this

I want to let you know that over the weekend 8/10 I got engaged its not a
joke and I'm sure it quite a surprise still is for me also

I wanted to tell you myself and not have you find out from Kate or another
source which would be a rather lousy way to find out"

For a split second, I wanted to give all the career success away, and just have someone to be happy with. I didn't cry. I had a laugh with my roommates about it all, and poked some fun at the girl I know nothing about. But it stayed with me through the night, and sleep proved impossible. The iPod this morning spent half the commute this morning jolting me awake from the jet-lagged haze and the other half creating tears that welled up in my eyes.

The worst part about it is that for once, he was honest. He told me upfront and directly about something significant - something he never did while we were dating. He's the person I always wanted him to be, only now he is with someone else.

I don't want him anymore. I haven't wanted him for a long time. But all of a sudden, I am back to square one.

Dysfunctional

I have ten drafts wating to post. All ten are three-quarters of the way done. Kind of like everything else in my life lately-not quite complete.
I have become one of those people that I hate - those people that say they never have 'time'. I hope there is a day when my job won't feel so overwhelming, and a day when I stop obsessing over insignificant details to the point of exhaustion.
But I'm just so tired. And I feel like maybe I wasn't that far off when I said in a previous post that I think the stability is killing my creativity.
Have I really become one of those people that needs something to go wrong to feel a rush of creative energy?

Better Late Than Never

Ok, a brief disclaimer: This was written exactly two months ago, when I was still fresh and new at the AP (you know, the time before you feel like you're allowed to check your personal e-mail?) Anyway, I felt the need to share. Enjoy.

April 27, 2007
I went to a going away party for one of the business editors tonight. A going away party for a person I hadn't talked to, except for when we were introduced.

"This is Samantha, she comes to us from a fashion publication," my trainer said to him on my first day at the AP, with the inflection of a gate monitor at the Magic Kingdom.

His eyes rolled off to the side with what I thought was judgment.

Fashion. Why did she have to tell people? Of anything, anywhere, is there anything that could make these people take me less seriously than that?

Of course, after she said it to every one of those 40 people in my division, I wanted to crawl in a cave and die, or at least wave a white flag. I can't handle this. It's too much, too big, too intense. The confidence I had was gone now, hidden behind a nervous smile as I asked:

"I'm sorry, what was your name again?"

But the days have gone by, and through every 8 hours more questions arise, and more instructions roll through my head about how I am supposed to act. I am laughing more though. And smiling more. Feeling like myself again.

These people, my co-workers, are ridiculously nice. Coming over to my desk, one hand gently on my back, the other guiding the mouse where it is supposed to go. Instant messages blink on my computer screen from editors "just making sure I'm ok."

"Just a note to say you are doing great. It will get better and easier eventually, I promise. Take a deep breath. Hope you are having a good day."

"Samantha, how are you? I want to assign you this mover (a story about a significant stock move) -- have you done this before? Wanna take a crack at it?"

The most dramatic time in my short lived career at the AP happened when the editor I was assigned to called me over for some personal instruction. That day had been a tough one - I was on my own for the first time, with computer programs I barely knew and numbers of which I did not know the relevance.
He called me over like you would call a dog to jump in the car to go to the vet. His body stiff, I knew I was in for something. And whatever it was, it didn't seem good. Not good at all.

I lined up behind him like a child waiting to be punished. He put his fingertips together and then lifted his hands to his face. Deep breaths in and out; I watched as he contemplated his next move. I let my own eyes close gently as I let the breath out of my lungs; the calm before the inevitable storm.

His silence made me even more afraid of what he would think of this first big centerpiece story. But as I was leaning in to hear if he had any edits for me, he threw his head back and slammed his hands on the desk.
"That's what I'm talking about!" he shouts. Uh-oh. What did I do?
He says is again. I am terrified. Not only am I going to get yelled at but it's going to be loud.

"Samantha, this is great. Really great. Jesus, when you write your first book, can I have a free copy?"

Note to self: Confidence helps ease the fears of being killed by my boss.

Wait'a'ya hear this!

In a move of unparalleled conceit, today I set up a Google Alert: for myself.

Summer in the City

It's summer in New York today- the sun is bright and parties have spilled out onto the streets. My block is bursting with Latin sounds and the smell of grilling meat and the smoke of firecrackers.

I can't help but think that this is a new beginning for me...as the new job is starting to feel like routine and my life is opening up with new possibilities. Some things have stayed the same, although I have a fear that with every thing new and exciting comes something from my old life being pushed out.

There are friends I haven't talked to in ages that I wonder about. My best friend is getting married in a few short months and yet phone calls to her have gone unreturned. I haven't talked to her since she announced the engagement, and I miss the sound of her voice.
I no longer have the security of the ex's voice on the phone, although gruff and unemotional most of the time, was still a way I pushed through the loneliness.
I haven't talked to my sister since I came back to the city from a visit over a month and a half ago. I am partly to blame--I think the sadness I felt at the old job was more serious than I knew at the time. A depression, possibly, although I don't want to admit it. I feel a bit of a cloud over my life now even though everything at work is what I imagined it to be, and my social life is starting to pick up again.

Everything is how I have planned it for so long, but my head is spinning. I can't slow down the days enough to get my breath and I feel I am leaving some very important pieces of myself behind.

Insider Trading Tip of the Day

Sell your shares in Microsoft. Bill Gates did. See my story:

http://biz.yahoo.com/ap/070510/microsoft_insider_transactions.html?.v=1

* Note and disclaimer: I actually know nothing about finance.

Long-Awaited Milestone

It hit me on Saturday very unexpectedly: I think I am over "The Relationship."

He is back in the town where we went to college; I am here. We have plenty of miles between us, and plenty of reasons to move on, but somehow I thought it would never happen.

We both held on like we were nothing without the other, even if things between us had changed beyond recognition. He met someone a week after I moved out. He moved in with her four months later. Every part of that, even though he never spoke of her directly to me, crushed what little bit of hope I had for a reconciliation.

But I still held on, for some reason: fear of not finding someone better, fear of moving to an overwhelming and unfamiliar place, and fear of losing the one person with whom I shared a huge piece of history.

After more time passed, and after hearing from other friends about how how his new relationship was getting more serious, I tried to pull away. I stopped initiating conversations, I stopped finding reasons to send a text message or e-mail. But he kept calling, and I kept picking up.

That about sums up the last two years. Whether he realized it or not, he was pulling the strings. And I let him for a million different reasons. That relationship, the one after me, ending in cheating. The day after he moved in with her, I later found out, he read her diary and found out she had slept with a married man. Any sympathy I could possibly offer was completely overshadowed by the feeling that this situation was the best kind of karma - I felt like he fell in love with a girl that dished back everything he ever did to me. But the satisfaction came way too late.

Everyone that knows the two of us, and how long it has been since we were happy together, would undoubtedly roll their eyes at my admission that I now feel "over it." Should have made a clean break. Should have never given him so many chances. Should have never continued a friendship. Should have left it alone, and moved on. Should have never taken this much time to get over it.

So now I have finally caught up to everyone else who was begging me to leave it alone. I am even pushing to finish this blog even though I just got an e-mail from him:

"i was cleaning up my computer and found some of these pics from your rowing banquet - not sure if you had them or not

hope things at the new job are going well

I head home on friday for jenas graduation..."

And just like that, its done.
Of course my mom snapped last night when I said this, and rightly so. Its far from 'just like that' - it has taken so much out of us, it has taken me to a place where I thought I would never trust again, and I still am in a place where I am terrified of being alone.

But this correspondence feels enough like the final ties being cut that I am thinking, sigh, its finally over.

The Lesson

I have been away for a while. A long while. I blame the new job- I think the stability is stifling my creativity.

Seriously though, the past three weeks have spelled so many changes for my life and the way I perceive the future. After all, it was not that long ago that I sat at my desk at the fashion magazine and thought I would never get back to doing what I wanted for a living.

I took advantage of my life here, in this incredible city, but not in a good way - I let it fly by because I thought I deserved better than I had. Well, the thing is, everyone does. I was no different. There are countless people who are miserable in their jobs. And countless more that are miserable in their lives. And I let these wonderful places, people and opportunities get away because I let my life overcome who I really am.

Of course clarity is easy to come by now that I have the career I've always wanted. These people, my co-workers, are simply amazing journalists who I am honored to be around. The third day I was here, someone about 10 desks away won the Pulitzer Prize. These reporters provide copy for The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, and countless other major newspapers and websites, yet they are some of the most humble people I have ever met.¶
That is not to say that this place is void of the normal complaints about computer functions or office politics. That is here too. I just can't hear the noise through my own head, clambering with the joy of being here, and with people who appreciate the integrity and drama of what real journalism is.

It took a friend going through an overwhelming personal struggle to visit to first give me the proverbial slap in the face. His constant smile and optimism made me realize all that I was missing here, all around me. His appreciation for every little event throughout the day, every place we went, made me want to do more here and stop blaming a long-ago boyfriend for my social anxiety and fear of commitment.

Of course, as the days pass, the speed by which they go seems to increase. I am trying to get back in the social game. I am trying to go to some museum openings and photography expositions, and even some parties. I don't feel completely different, but I do feel more free. A recent spat over rent with a roommate would have sent me over the edge if I were in my old job. I still feel overwhelmed, but I am trying to remember that in the end, its all relative.