I told everyone that stood still long enough to listen. And followed some people that didn't. I was so excited about this potential relationship, got so far ahead of myself, that it actually ended before it even began.
I've gone through a breakup without having the relationship. And yes, it makes me feel absolutely psychotic to say that.
In a nutshell, things for the past couple of months have been in sort of a flirty state of bliss. The potential for something was there, and although I tried not to think about it being more than it really was, it became clear that he was something special, and that this just might happen.
But a few days ago, something changed. Something that I can't put my finger on because I am too busy feeling crazy for putting as much emotional effort into something that wasn't even really there.
I know I put too much into things. I know I run full force at situations when really all they need is some gentle coercing. But now, after all this time alone, I feel desperate, like I'm running out of time.
Then the rational voice kicks in, and I realize that out of this situation, I have a really great new friendship. He, in all likelihood, has little to no idea how my head is spinning about this. And the funny part is, it's really not even about him.
It's about how I am missing the comfort of a partner so much that I am forcing puzzle pieces together that don't quite fit. I am trying to be someone that I'm not so desperately that I am forgetting what I really am. I am anwering questions with the answers I think he would want, instead of the answers that I feel.
If I must think of a purpose for this latest blip in my almost-dating life, he came into my life at the exact right time. I started considering this guy as the ex's engagement was still an open wound. But now that's closed, and somehow I feel like my options went with it.
If my altered state tells me anything, it's that this would have been really bad if it had dragged on longer, and we had an actual full-blown relationship. The akward walk into the office, the akward train home, the occasional akward co-worker get-together. But it's just not much comfort now.
And what's making me feel worse is that I know that my life, despite the haze, is still the one that I was so grateful just a few months ago. I'm feeling guilty for harping on the small details in my life when people around me are suffering with actual problems. And I'm feeling even more guilty for not being grateful enough for the people that have reached out to help.
But I can't seem to get things together.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
5 comments:
Oh, Scout … You know you, I have mourned for relationships that have only existed in my head. I've mourned for the "so close" ones as well. In a way, those are harder, because there never seems to be a concrete reason for things to end. I hate to invoke any film with Robin Williams, but this reminds me of a scene from Good Will Hunting: When two people don't actually get together, when It doesn't materialize, things are perfect. There's no faults in ones personality, because the faults have not been shared.
Maybe I'm babbling. Maybe there's something more basic here. All I know is that, this time of year, my bed seems emptier than ever, and there's this ache in my heart that won't get distracted away. The only thing that helps me is when there's the smallest potential with someone, just a little blip. Without that, I'm a miserable bastard–31 and alone.
You've always been wonderful, and in many ways, you're my hero. You do such good work. It's OK to feel bad about things sometimes, it's OK to feel sorry. It doesn't make you any less great.
Just let this one burn, mon amie, it's better off that way. Relationships are funny that way, some you just need to let scorch you before you realize your better off ... you know what I'm talking about ... I have the burn mark on our table to always remind me of what having a good nature can sometimes get you.
Give yourself a mulligan, let your passions take you where they may and the rest will fill the voids. Go looking for the things that make YOU happy in this world and the relationship parts tend to fall into place.
Do more photography, write more for yourself, hit more museums, go to cowboy bars ... ugh!! that is sick! ... you get the point. Believe in the things that you do that make you happy and others will see that and be attracted to that.
OR, just have a bunch of wine, hang out with Chris, laugh and snort and know that that is wonderful in itself!! The simple things.
Sing loudly and rather obnoxiously.......
Put your self together oh... new years is a comin...
I live in manhattan oh
cute boys are a comin...
the winter does not last forever
my comforter will keep me warm
what would i do with a boyfriend
my twin bed only fits my arm...
have you ever tried to climb in a twin bedoooh...
with another person that is taller then 6'feet like i am if you did you remember how you slept really uncomfortably especially with a crazy mormon in the next room trying her best to make sure everyone in the house is a virgin, going around making you read mormon magazines and go to the church to keep you holyoooh....
(you should be really loud now... and out of breath)
new years...
brings great things....
for everyone...
including me...
merry christmas, happy new year, and screw the craaaazy (do like a mariah carrey, christina aguilera run) mormon!!!!!!!!!!!.... ohhhhhhhhhhhh!!! (jazz hands)
i am laughing my ass off in my office now lol. No I am not on drugs... just three too many cups of Hot chocolate and coffee.
Hey, those mormons are hot. But not as hot as you.
Post a Comment