Too Many Endings

I told everyone that stood still long enough to listen. And followed some people that didn't. I was so excited about this potential relationship, got so far ahead of myself, that it actually ended before it even began.

I've gone through a breakup without having the relationship. And yes, it makes me feel absolutely psychotic to say that.

In a nutshell, things for the past couple of months have been in sort of a flirty state of bliss. The potential for something was there, and although I tried not to think about it being more than it really was, it became clear that he was something special, and that this just might happen.

But a few days ago, something changed. Something that I can't put my finger on because I am too busy feeling crazy for putting as much emotional effort into something that wasn't even really there.

I know I put too much into things. I know I run full force at situations when really all they need is some gentle coercing. But now, after all this time alone, I feel desperate, like I'm running out of time.

Then the rational voice kicks in, and I realize that out of this situation, I have a really great new friendship. He, in all likelihood, has little to no idea how my head is spinning about this. And the funny part is, it's really not even about him.

It's about how I am missing the comfort of a partner so much that I am forcing puzzle pieces together that don't quite fit. I am trying to be someone that I'm not so desperately that I am forgetting what I really am. I am anwering questions with the answers I think he would want, instead of the answers that I feel.

If I must think of a purpose for this latest blip in my almost-dating life, he came into my life at the exact right time. I started considering this guy as the ex's engagement was still an open wound. But now that's closed, and somehow I feel like my options went with it.

If my altered state tells me anything, it's that this would have been really bad if it had dragged on longer, and we had an actual full-blown relationship. The akward walk into the office, the akward train home, the occasional akward co-worker get-together. But it's just not much comfort now.

And what's making me feel worse is that I know that my life, despite the haze, is still the one that I was so grateful just a few months ago. I'm feeling guilty for harping on the small details in my life when people around me are suffering with actual problems. And I'm feeling even more guilty for not being grateful enough for the people that have reached out to help.
But I can't seem to get things together.

The Lonely Season

I am finally done with all my holiday shopping stories. Work is done, for the day at least, and tomorrow is a day to be spent with family. Only my family isn't here.
They will be celebrating Thanksgiving together while I am here in the city wishing I was with them. Wishing I could get a break from all the noise, and the crowds, and my life for only a minute.
I am filled with an overwhelming lack of confidence at work.
I am starting to realize that the crush is not going to be anything more than that.
I am not with my family on Thanksgiving, and I likely won't be able to see many of them for Christmas, either.

I haven't been able to think clearly for a while now. Somehow, everything got muddled again.

Cleaning in Cowboy Boots

I know, after so long, what's really the point? I'm getting to it, dude.

Written July 31, 2007
I spent an hour or so after work today cleaning my room, with ratty shorts and a t-shirt, my nano tucked into my sports bra, and cowboy boots.
I am a flip-flop girl. In fact, I hate wearing shoes, and take them off anytime I'm given the chance. But the cowboy boots had a purpose today - I am breaking them in for a trip in two weeks to a dude ranch in Wyoming. City Slickers Style.
While I've been planning for months with my friend Kate, who I 've known for about a year and a half now, it seems like it all crept up so fast on me. First, the trip was a very bad idea. It was the idea blurted out after a night of too much red wine, the first night I met Kate. She had been friends with the ex and he introduced us, although originally all I had to talk to her about him, about regrets, and about lost time.
There are too many things that I feel like I can't talk to her about, and sometimes I feel as if I befriended someone that spies for the enemy. I sometimes wonder if that feeling will ever go away.

But, right now, I'm busy breaking in the cowboy boots for a trip that will make me the person I always say I want to be: the adventurous one, the traveler, the dreamer. That, in a nutshell, has been this year for me. Through all the crap, all the heartache, all the mistakes I made over and over again, I did something right. I did something right to deserve the job that gives me chills. And I did something right to feel like I could continue this relationship, no matter how it began.