The Bitter End

Last week was spent at an amazing ranch in Wyoming, where I rode horses, drove cattle, and played cowboy.
But I'll begin at the end of the trip, because that's what is making my hands shake and stomach sick.

After getting home after a late flight and a long and windy ride with a confused cabbie, I ran to check my e-mail. I hadn't touched a computer since before the trip, and I was chomping at the bit for some kind of 21st century communication.

I noticed an e-mail from the ex. I wasn't expecting this:

"I hope your trip is going well or went well depending on when you get this

I want to let you know that over the weekend 8/10 I got engaged its not a
joke and I'm sure it quite a surprise still is for me also

I wanted to tell you myself and not have you find out from Kate or another
source which would be a rather lousy way to find out"

For a split second, I wanted to give all the career success away, and just have someone to be happy with. I didn't cry. I had a laugh with my roommates about it all, and poked some fun at the girl I know nothing about. But it stayed with me through the night, and sleep proved impossible. The iPod this morning spent half the commute this morning jolting me awake from the jet-lagged haze and the other half creating tears that welled up in my eyes.

The worst part about it is that for once, he was honest. He told me upfront and directly about something significant - something he never did while we were dating. He's the person I always wanted him to be, only now he is with someone else.

I don't want him anymore. I haven't wanted him for a long time. But all of a sudden, I am back to square one.