I miss being in a relationship. Save a couple “you know it’s going to end before it begins” types of short-lived mistakes, I have not been in a relationship for over two years. And with all the cheating and lying that were woven in to the seven years before that, well, it feels like I have very few points on that hypothetical scoreboard.
The problem is that the longer I go without it, the less I think I deserve it. Or can get it again. I am not necessarily lonely; although the irony of living in a city of eight million is that it can be, in fact, a very lonely place.
I bump into people, get shoved, and touch people all day long. On the subway, on the street, in line for lunch. But it feels as if someone is playing a cruel joke, because I haven't had the kind of touch I need or want in a long time, and I have no idea when it's coming.
Some friends make me the butt of some harmless teasing, but it ends up by not being so harmless. I freeze up with a dare to go talk to that tall, cute guy across the bar. And he is not coming over to talk to me. And then I think that I am not going to meet someone I have anything in common with in a bar anyway, so the next time my friends invite me I don't bother to go. And then I feel bad about myself and just want to stay in all the time.
I am doing better now: working out helps; friends on the weekends seem to lift my spirits-but nothing can fill that void.
I miss being in a relationship. I miss someone loving me not because they have to, but because they choose to. I miss bouncing big ideas off another person that I can completely trust.
Perhaps I'm idealizing "The Relationship"- I know I am, but I want to feel that again and I just don't know what to do to get it.
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3 comments:
We all idealize the concept of romance and relationships. How can we not? It's almost like it's hard-wired into our civilization. We're surrounded by sex in every medium, no matter how new (Internet) or old (Greek mythology, anyone?). Yours isn't a sob story. It's everyone's story.
If it sounds like I'm rationalizing, it's just because there's an empty bed waiting for me, and it's hard to see that changing anytime soon.
You're doing what you're 'supposed' to do in between relationships... you're waiting. And you're weaving relationships with those around you - even the people you bump shoulders with on the street. Husher will want to slap me for referring to the "pay it forward" idea, because I know he hated the cheap shot the movie took at forcing viewers into the fetal position sobbing by the end. But I do believe in it. I believe that every breath you take (great, now I have that song stuck in my half empty head) and every interaction you have with others affects the year, month, day and moment you meet the right one.
I know you to be a kind, intelligent, pretty, funny woman who doesn't deserve whoever just happens to be right around the corner. You deserve whoever is right now feeling the same way you do, and is willing to put the same effort into it. So wait. Just... wait.
Always listen to mama. Mama gonna get slapped if she mentions that cinematic suppository ever again, though ;)
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