My Favorite Mistake

As I was putting off starting a project at work the other day, I was searching through some old e-mails and realized that I inadvertently sent a blog link to "The Ex" when I showed copied and pasted this entry over a year ago.

Fabulous.

So how is everything going? How is life? If you still reading this, Ex Man, it's pretty freaking awesome. Great friends, good health, sweet job, fun city. So there.

I'm Tired

...tired of always wanting more, tired of expecting things and getting disappointed, tired of being tired.

A new chapter

Today was one of those days that just makes me think. Think about how far I have come, and how very far I need to go.
I was put in charge of the newest hire in business news. My boss had asked that I train him, and I can't deny how surprised I was. As much as I've learned at the AP, I still feel altogether like an infant sometimes. There is always someone doing something better, bigger, etc. It's hard on the ego sometimes. Other times, it's the only thing that motivates me.
But through the doubts I have in myself, it was great to get a vote of confidence like this. Especially when this particular guy seems like an expert before he walked in the door. The briefing on him reads like a bio of someone who is 40 years old, and very accomplished at that.
When he walks in this morning, he is a lot less daunting than the picture I have built in my head. He's funny, enthusiastic....and terrified. His hand shake on the keyboard and strike the wrong keys. Lots of cursing as he makes simple errors, lots of 'I'm sorrys' for all the cursing, lots of 'I'm sorrys' for all the 'I'm sorrys.'
Our small talk reveals that he is incredibly smart and incredibly well-versed in the companies he will cover at AP.
But his nervousness makes me have flash backs to my own first days.
It made me feel like I wasn't alone in being terrified.
About 11 o'clock as I show him a computer program, he says "This may be a stupid question, but does this feel incredibly overwhelming to everyone or is it just me?"
"It's everybody," I say. "Really, everybody."

Why Do Birds Suddenly Appear

Here'e my horoscope from this morning. Stupid thing, why does it have to be so wise?


"You may think that time is running out, so you could get overly forceful in your search for happiness. But the greatest satisfaction may come from delving into the intensity of the uncomfortable places within your mind. Your tendency may be to avoid the darkness, yet this is where the treasures are hiding. Facing the unknown can catalyze the transformation of fear into love."

Deep Breath Out

It's my first post of 2008, and its only a month late.

I'm feeling better in waves. Some days are incredible high, when I realize I have great friends, and this city is really home to me now. Some days are awful, when I feel as if the floor is falling out from under me, and I can't keep track of the thoughts racing in my head.

I'm looking at the last post from 2007 and realizing that progress is in fact possible. He may still be there, but he's not in my head as much. I am contemplating the possibility of dating others. I wish I could live more recklessly than this, but this, for me, is progress.

I'll make New Year's resolutions later. For now, I'm just trying to live it.

Too Many Endings

I told everyone that stood still long enough to listen. And followed some people that didn't. I was so excited about this potential relationship, got so far ahead of myself, that it actually ended before it even began.

I've gone through a breakup without having the relationship. And yes, it makes me feel absolutely psychotic to say that.

In a nutshell, things for the past couple of months have been in sort of a flirty state of bliss. The potential for something was there, and although I tried not to think about it being more than it really was, it became clear that he was something special, and that this just might happen.

But a few days ago, something changed. Something that I can't put my finger on because I am too busy feeling crazy for putting as much emotional effort into something that wasn't even really there.

I know I put too much into things. I know I run full force at situations when really all they need is some gentle coercing. But now, after all this time alone, I feel desperate, like I'm running out of time.

Then the rational voice kicks in, and I realize that out of this situation, I have a really great new friendship. He, in all likelihood, has little to no idea how my head is spinning about this. And the funny part is, it's really not even about him.

It's about how I am missing the comfort of a partner so much that I am forcing puzzle pieces together that don't quite fit. I am trying to be someone that I'm not so desperately that I am forgetting what I really am. I am anwering questions with the answers I think he would want, instead of the answers that I feel.

If I must think of a purpose for this latest blip in my almost-dating life, he came into my life at the exact right time. I started considering this guy as the ex's engagement was still an open wound. But now that's closed, and somehow I feel like my options went with it.

If my altered state tells me anything, it's that this would have been really bad if it had dragged on longer, and we had an actual full-blown relationship. The akward walk into the office, the akward train home, the occasional akward co-worker get-together. But it's just not much comfort now.

And what's making me feel worse is that I know that my life, despite the haze, is still the one that I was so grateful just a few months ago. I'm feeling guilty for harping on the small details in my life when people around me are suffering with actual problems. And I'm feeling even more guilty for not being grateful enough for the people that have reached out to help.
But I can't seem to get things together.

The Lonely Season

I am finally done with all my holiday shopping stories. Work is done, for the day at least, and tomorrow is a day to be spent with family. Only my family isn't here.
They will be celebrating Thanksgiving together while I am here in the city wishing I was with them. Wishing I could get a break from all the noise, and the crowds, and my life for only a minute.
I am filled with an overwhelming lack of confidence at work.
I am starting to realize that the crush is not going to be anything more than that.
I am not with my family on Thanksgiving, and I likely won't be able to see many of them for Christmas, either.

I haven't been able to think clearly for a while now. Somehow, everything got muddled again.